As your child navigates the school system, their ideas about right and wrong, good and bad, trendy and uncool, etc., will fluctuate. In academic settings, “peer pressure” commonly refers to the influence of a student’s peers on that student’s values and actions. As children enter adolescence, parents’ influence may start to wane in the face of competing pressures from social, academic, and extracurricular sources, as well as the temptation to rebel against authority. As a result, peer pressure is often associated with chronic absenteeism, cruel behavior toward other classmates, and illicit activity.
Despite its negative connotations, however, peer pressure is not inherently harmful. The desire to impress one’s classmates can inspire a student to achieve good grades, perform well in athletic activities, and establish lasting friendships. It is crucial when differentiating between positive and negative peer pressure to consider both the outcome and the source of that pressure.
When peer pressure is healthy, students are motivated by positive reinforcement. Individuals encourage each other to succeed, empathize with one another in the face of adversity, and hone their teamwork skills in the process. For example, in a healthy athletic environment, teammates might encourage one another to train regularly, provide collective support in high-stress situations, and cheer each other on at competitions.
Negative peer pressure, on the other hand, accompanies shame and the threat of isolation and can often escalate into bullying. For example, a student’s classmates may ridicule them for not skipping class to vape in the school bathrooms. While it is less common for positive peer pressure to promote harmful activity, negative peer pressure can, on occasion, appear deceptively positive. Negative peer pressure is not uncommon in sports, for instance, where toxic competition can temporarily improve an athlete’s performance at the expense of their mental well-being and long-term physical health.
Of course, discussing peer pressure with your child can be tricky. In today’s tech-fueled world, private messaging platforms obscure communication between classmates, and younger generations may feel pressured to behave according to trends popularized on social media, making it much harder to pin down the “source” of a particular influence in your child’s life. Here are three suggestions to keep in mind that may minimize these obstacles:
Utilize active listening. Conversations about peer pressure can get vulnerable, especially if harmful or illicit activity has taken place. Belittling or shaming your child is generally counterproductive as they may cease to consider you a source of support, thereby pushing them closer to the initial source of negative influence. Levelheadedness is crucial, but as parents, your ultimate goal is to help your child. Staying true to that aim throughout the conversation will help you identify precisely where your child’s needs may be going unfulfilled.
Discuss what it means to be a good friend. Children and teens are particularly susceptible to peer pressure due to the lack of self-confidence that accompanies adolescence. If your child finds themselves persistently seeking validation from negative influences, consider exploring the traits they think a good friend should have. Questions like “Does a good friend make you feel bad about yourself?” and “Would a good friend encourage you to do something that could hurt you?” can spark valuable conversations about healthy relationships that may prove useful whenever your child starts developing romantic interests or enters the workplace.
Talk about boundaries. As you examine the features of healthy friendships with your child, question them gently on their current ones: “How does your friend react when you tell them ‘no’?” and “Do you think a good friend would force you to do something against your will?” are great places to start. Consider modeling a future encounter between your child and their classmate until your child feels comfortable setting boundaries with them. Additionally, try entering the conversation prepared with your own examples of establishing boundaries in your life. Have you ever risked rejection to defend your principles? Have you ever ended a toxic relationship with a friend or colleague? How did you approach these situations, and how did you feel before, during, and after them? Sharing these stories openly with your child can reaffirm your position as a source of support in their life while also demonstrating that the long-term benefits of standing your ground are always more important than the short-term losses.
The Enrichery Location Director Melanie Perez, mother of 2 high schoolers and a daughter in 6th grade, encourages her children to consider the possible lifelong effects of acquiescing to peer pressure. “I often remind my kids that one wrong decision encouraged by their peers can alter their lives forever,” she says, “Together, we weigh the consequences of poor decisions against the desired outcome. Just because an action garners a laugh or makes someone look ‘cool’ for a while doesn’t make it a good decision. When in doubt, say no!”
