Last week, we published an article discussing the rise in hoax threats against schools across Houston and the broader United States. Today, we’ve set out to provide some guidance on how to hold meaningful and productive conversations with children about social media use, school safety, and mass violence.
Broadly speaking, our biggest piece of advice for approaching upsetting topics with children is to keep the conversation developmentally appropriate. Yes, individuals of the same age will respond differently to the same experiences, but a few helpful patterns across age groups may help you better understand both the support your child requires and where you risk causing unnecessary harm.
Opening the Conversation
Regardless of age, it is common for children and adolescents to look to adults for support in times of stress and uncertainty. Elementary and middle school-aged children may approach their parents, while teenagers might seek comfort in an older sibling or school staff member. In the wake of a high-profile act of school violence or a potentially upsetting school safety drill, look for clues that your child wants to discuss the event with you. Are they hovering around you more than usual? Do they seem suddenly uninterested in the daily activities they normally find enjoyable?
Keep in mind that young children may return to their regular routines quite easily after an upsetting event. On such occasions, forcing an uncomfortable discussion could prove counterproductive. Instead, keep a close eye on your child to ensure they aren’t suppressing their natural emotions or developing harmful coping mechanisms. If you notice any concerning changes in your child’s behavior, such as violent outbursts or self-isolation, reach out to a mental health professional as soon as possible.
Parents of older children may choose to broach the subject of school violence themselves. When doing so, clarify that you don’t intend to make your child uncomfortable or upset. Consider the following openers:
“I heard you had a school safety assembly today. Would you like to talk about it?”
“I was just talking to a friend about the recent shooting at X school. I hope you know I’m here if you ever want to discuss it.”
“You seemed a bit distracted during [extracurricular activity] today. Was there anything on your mind that you are open to sharing with me?”
Leading with Honesty and Validation
Once the subject of school violence has been raised, it is imperative not to dismiss your child’s natural response. Remember: no feeling is a wrong feeling in the wake of a traumatic event.
While speaking to young children, it is generally safer to provide as little detail as possible, centering your child in the conversation instead. Young children may want to know why an act of school violence occurred or why they are being told to prepare for that possibility. In the former case, refrain from making accusatory remarks about the identity of the attacker. Doing so can trigger unintended consequences, such as causing your child to fear irrationally anyone else who embodies similar traits. Instead, admit that you don’t know why people do bad things and that you wish everyone had a loving, supportive family to talk to so that they wouldn’t harm other people.
If your child exhibits a strong emotional response to the subject, instead of accusing them of over-reacting, explain that schools remain, statistically, one of the safest places for children and that all members of school staff are there to protect them from harm. Point out to younger children that teachers are trained not to let strangers into the school building. Remind middle schoolers that the lockdown drills they regularly participate in provide a valuable opportunity to encourage their classmates to comply with school safety regulations. Suggest that teenagers join student-run safety councils and mental health awareness programs.
If your child expresses anger or disappointment, refrain from impulsively asking them to calm down. Consider mirroring their vulnerability: admit that you agree that school violence is unacceptable and that students should never fear going to school. In doing so, you will reaffirm your role in your child’s life as someone with whom they can share negative emotions without judgment.
What Now?
Once feelings have been addressed, avoid ending the conversation on a hopeless note. Instead, discuss practical solutions to bolster your child’s sense of personal safety and appreciation for school.
Encourage your child, regardless of age, to identify one school adult and one community adult to which they can turn to if they feel threatened. The latter could be a friendly neighbor or a nearby relative.
Promote artistic coping mechanisms, like dancing, drawing, and playing music.
When social media comes up in conversation, unless your child was involved in a school safety issue, refrain from threatening to enact punitive or restrictive measures if those are not commonly used in your household. In the aftermath of school violence, your child needs to feel like you are on their team. Instead, encourage them to be proactive in managing their own use of the internet. Consider the following conversation starters:
“I know you would never intentionally circulate content online that could harm anyone. Are you aware of any dangerous social media trends these days? What do you do to avoid content like that?”
Learn more about the link between social media and peer pressure here.
“I know social media is an important tool for you to stay in touch with your friends, but that doesn’t mean it can’t also be used for harmful purposes. Have you been taught how to report school threats online? Let’s learn about that together.”
See important information regarding anonymous reporting in Texas here.
